Marsha Barnosky Coaching and Consulting

GRIEVING CREATIVELY

THE TOP FOUR REASONS WHY I JOURNAL (AND WHY YOU MAY WANT TO THINK ABOUT DOING SO!)

I often recommend journaling to my clients having experienced it’s benefits for myself. I try to journal everyday (no shaming if I miss a day or two) and am always amazed at how rife my writing is with wisdom for what I need that day. Journaling has often helped me to discover things that are a sometimes a complete shock to me; things apparently I don’t even tell myself are often revealed.

There are many reasons to journal but here are a few reasons why I write:

1. Journaling is a wonderful prompt for my memory. If I am anxious about something I may sometimes “forget” what I have done to improve the situation. A review of my journal where I may share all the good, and the not so good things in my life often becomes my memory in stressful times. I can also use my journal to go back and read my entries over time to note how I’ve
changed, which is sometimes necessary when change is very gradual. I also can note trends in my thinking. For example, for 6 months I did what’s called “Morning Pages” while I was participating in an “Artist’s Way” course. The author of “The Artist’s Way”, Julia Cameron, encourages this daily activity first thing in the morning. Part of the Morning Pages is committing to writing 3 pages daily, but refraining from reading what you write for a time. I performed this “purge on paper” ( as I
called it) without my glasses on so I would not actually take in content, for 6 months prior to reading my entries. The main thing I noticed was that I was complaining about the same things virtually every day (maybe packaged somewhat differently but still the same). I laughed myself silly thinking about how clueless I was that I had allowed something to go on, and on without effectively addressing it. Unearthing this allowed me to make a plan to address it directly.

2. Journaling has often been a pathway to insight for me. I journal by hand with pen and paper which is interesting since I blog on computer. Recent research has established that the movements of our hands when we write on paper actually leave a “motor memory” in the sensorimotor in the brain that helps us recognize letters. Because of this and because we use more of our senses to write by hand )vs. computer) writing this way actually aids learning. Again learning more about myself by
journaling has been a big part of my healing from life’s slings and arrows.

3. My life is worth chronicling. How often do I hear that people are working so hard that they “don’t have time” to reflect, to pray, to meditate, to exercise, (one of my common excuses !) or to journal.
Meanwhile our lives are happening and hopefully, evolving. Journaling allows me to acknowledge the big and the not so big happenings in my life helping me to better understand myself and to take in and more fully experience this one life of mine. I’ve heard some say they don’t journal because their lives are too “boring”. Journaling can be used to examine our lives , make some changes, and review our own personal evolution.

4. Journaling is an excellent way to note my “emotional barometer” for the day. Emotions are
reactions to thoughts we have, often without being consciously aware of them. I usually jot a few sentences and name feelings I have which for many is very beneficial in and of itself. Some people
use a simple scale to “rate” the emotional experience of their day. Going back to previous entries can help me explore the darker days and see what trends, if any, that I note, what connections I make with other areas of my life and what changes I can make to avoid similar future experiences if possible. This helps to affirm that I can make my life to be what I want it to be by making shifts in my thinking and small changes in my day. Overtime, they can produce significant improvements in my life and move me in my chosen direction.

Do you journal and what do you find to be the biggest benefit to you? I’d love to hear from you!

If you are going through a major life transition or grief and loss I would be happy to schedule a complimentary session to explore how coaching may benefit you. Please contact me at info@marshabarnosky.com

A SPIRITUALITY OF GRIEF

 "Grief is love not wanting to let go."
 Earl A. Grollman in Living with Loss

When grief has struck your heart and you no longer see a path, lose your bearings or your ability to read your compass, your whole being is impacted.  Much is written about the emotional and physical  aspects of grief but so often what happens to our spirit…that part of ourselves that feels grief most keenly whether we are religious or not …. is not addressed. 

What is meant by ‘spirituality’?  According to Jose del Espiritu a writer on all things spiritual on Blogger.com, spirituality is described as the following: 

“ …spirituality is the quality of one’s sensitivity to the things of the spirit. So the basic meaning of spirituality is that it is a term which encompasses everything that we cannot see directly with our eyes, directly perceive by the other senses and know by our mere reason. That is spirituality in its basic meaning.”

I would add that spirituality is that which transcends ourselves and our world and gives it meaning. I am part of it but it is much larger than myself .That part of ourselves that cannot be seen or felt by the senses or known by mere reason is who we really are.  We are not our name, our job, our education, our reputation, our possessions, our family, our physical characteristics, our intellectual capacity or anything else we believe  makes us who we are. These are indeed, aspects of our lives,  but not our essence.  It is this core self that bears the brunt of loss. 

How we cope with loss is informed by many things in our personal history as well as our current spiritual reality.  To have some idea of how one will likely cope with grief and loss may be determined by answers to the following questions:

How have you weathered smaller losses?  Our past way of handling  smaller losses is the best indicator of how one will handle larger ones. What have you been taught about your spirit?  About God or a Higher Power? Do you know how to tap a Source greater than yourself or do you live only within the connections your 5 senses can make?  As an impressionable child, what did  you witness your parents and other caregivers doing in times of loss? Did your parents model healthy grieving by talking about the loss, having tears at times, allowing others to support them?  Or did life go on as if nothing had ever happened, and in some cases, never speaking of the loss again?  What kind of personal contact sphere do you inhabit?  Is it one of compassion and support or is it  mainly social or business oriented or perhaps simply superficial?  Contemplating your answers to these questions may give you insight as to how you cope  (or will cope) with your own losses as an adult.

Everyone struggles with loss.  Some seem to never make it back from loss.  Many of us  know people who have experienced the death of a loved one, often a sudden or traumatic one, where the lives appear to go on but those grieving never actually  experience fullness of life again.  Maybe you have seen someone  who appears to wither and become but a shadow of who they were for the rest of their lives. How often have you heard, “after his child died, he was never the same.”  This depth of loss is often a refusal to accept what is.

Accepting ‘what is’ is  one of the biggest hurdles in moving through grief.  Research on grief has shown that almost everyone “accepts” the loss immediately, that there is not this long span of “denial” that has often been referenced as part of Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s “stages of grief”.  Most people move though grief  at their own unique pace and many eventually find a peaceful acceptance.  This does NOT mean to say that  this terrible loss is “OK”, but rather that one is no longer fighting reality but allowing oneself to believe what is. Others become “stuck” in this place and may reach a point of bitter resignation, which is very different from a peaceful acceptance. A healthy spirituality does not protect one from loss; rather it allows you to embrace and fully experience loss.  A healthy spirituality helps one peacefully accept the unacceptable.  Our relationship with God or our Higher Power can be a source of tenderness and compassion as we traverse the rocky terrain of grief.  How has your spirituality helped you in times of grief?   If you are grieving, I would be honored to do a complementary consultation to see how grief coaching may support and inspire you.  Please contact me at info@marshabarnosly.com or call me at 616-402-8327.

The Death Of A Friend

I am coming up on the anniversary of the death of a dear friend.  His death was sudden and his family and many friends were grief stricken.  When someone significant dies I feel as if the world has fallen off its axis and stopped turning.  Because my world has stopped, it’s a shock to realize that the world does indeed continue. When the world continues on, as it does, you want to shout to the world….”don’t you know that she’s died? Show some respect!”  When I experience such loss I think of the W.H. Auden poem “Funeral Blues” part of which I will quote here:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead

The mourner’s grief demands that everything stop: time, communication, pleasant pastimes. He too believes a grander acknowledgement is called for in the form of a sky writer announcing “he is dead!” so the whole world may recognize the loss.

Because my friends’ death was sudden, I was not prepared to say goodbye.  We had been out of touch for various reasons, none of which seems very important now.  The grief of a sudden loss is made especially sad because we think we have “tomorrow” to do things perhaps we should do today.  The whole week before he died I kept meaning to call him and didn’t.  I wrote the following in response to my grief.

My friend died today.  A former co-worker called me; distraught.  I couldn’t believe it

My friend died today.  As I called another couple of friends to let them know of the loss, my voice quavered.  I couldn’t believe it.

My friend died.  I went to the memorial service. There was no body…..  I heard kind words and humorous stories re: my friend and his character. Songs were sung, prayers were said. But I still couldn’t believe it

My friend died.  Life went on and.  One day I wanted to tell my friend something important that only he would understand. I went to the phone and then…..I remembered: my friend was dead…..I guess I still don’t believe it.

12 months have passed: holidays, birthdays, workdays, and all the days in between.    Time moves on, work absorbs us, we grow older, children move away, life situations change. It is said that “time heals all” but I am still sad and heartbroken. Today I realize that the relief I feel in getting through this first year is replaced by a sudden realization that this is no accomplishment, there is no prize, no relief; just the dawning awareness that forever has begun.  My friend has died; and now….. I finally believe it.

 

 

DIVORCE: IN THE BEGINNING,THERE WAS LOVE

Talk of divorce is often filled with anger, threats, sadness, and fear.   Pointing fingers are not able to soften the current of hurt between each person. But it wasn’t always this way.  There are some things that virtually all divorced couples  have in common:

Once there was love. It is important to remember that, in the beginning, love was , palpable, promising and  able to prevail over any obstacle, or so we believed. Our love is ‘different’,  we think.  Why else would people make a promise to love  “in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad” if they didn’t believe they  could do so? Perhaps they see friends or relatives who are politely tolerating their marriages, or marriages where each person appears to have checked out and given up long ago.   That won’t happen to us!  So we focus on the details of the wedding and often don’t spend enough time on the details of how we want our marriage to work and flow. How many couples dream of where they want their relationship to be 5 years from the wedding? Not enough.

Each couple had a dream.  Most couples marry hoping and believing they will live together” till death do us part”. One mate for life. We imagine a bright future that will of course see its share of trials but somehow overcome any obstacle. Romantic love is so powerful  and blinding that it   is difficult to believe, at least in the beginning, that it won’t last.  And it doesn’t.  Not that you can’t continue to be romantic but keeping romance alive takes planning and effort; something it doesn’t require early in a relationship

The end of the marriage occurs over time in subtle and cumulative ways. The death of the dream comes not through a tsunami of events but more often through the slow leak of small everyday choices that invisibly erode the relationship over time. Some unforgiveness here, some withholding of affection there, some socializing more and more  apart, etc.  Over time, interest in things or other people may slowly replace the partner in our heart. Until one day we wake up and realize we don’t have anything between us anymore and we wonder , “what happened?”

Long after the divorce is final many couples get locked in a competition that beats each other down and effectively keeps them ensnared in the relationship through anger and one-upmanship for years. Divorce is loss and healing loss requires a letting go. How do you do that when you are so angry at being left that you can’t see straight?  If you find yourself stuck and wanting to change  and let go but don’t know how, I would be honored to help you plan and make the change you desire. Please contact me at info@marshabarnosky.com.

 

 

 

WHY SHOULD I FORGIVE MYSELF?

The supreme act of courage is that of forgiving ourselves. 
That which I was not but could have been. 
That which I would have done but did not do. 
Can I find the fortitude to remember in truth,
to understand, to submit, to forgive 
and to be free to move on in time? 

Martin Luther King 

Sometimes we are our own last holdout.  Our mercy may flow like a river to others but for ourselves we may build a steep and slippery embankment.  What do we gain by remaining trapped this way?  Let’s see: if I don’t forgive myself I can continue to pretend I am perfect. I can also hold myself hostage to my unforgiveness as retribution for being imperfect.  To the contrary, not forgiving ourselves indicates we hold a double standard…one for others, and a higher one for ourselves.     We may have indeed been held to such high standards in the past by parents, teachers, friends, spouses and others.  But now we know better; now the only one holding us hostage is ourselves .  We are no better than any other human being.  We have our gifts and our frailties.  Self forgiveness is an act of humility we fall short which, being only human, we are sure to do at times.    Withholding self forgiveness does not serve ourselves or those we feel we have harmed or wronged in some way. How can we change a lifelong response toward self forgiveness?  One way is to note (not judge) when those thoughts bubble up to the surface.  Are we contrite? Have we made amends where safe and possible? Can we do so now? If we forgive ourselves and these thoughts continue to come to mind we may need to note it, remind ourselves that this is in our past and that we have forgiven ourselves and intend to do better.  If you have held this unforgiving mindset towards yourself for a long time, it is normal for these thoughts to continue to come back to you for a while.  Forgiving ourselves is found to reduce depression as well as release energy for creative endeavors in our lives.  It frees us.  Do you feel stuck holding yourself hostage to unforgiveness? Please contact me at info@marshabarnosky.com or call me at 616-402-8327 for a complimentary consultation.

WHY SHOULD I FORGIVE HIM/HER?

You are on a journey in a strange new land. You are travelling by foot in this place where the terrain is unfamiliar. You have  a few things in your backpack from your former place to give you comfort and help you on your journey.  But the backpack is slowing you down, and your ability to move forward seems severely hampered by its weight.  This is very strange because you really only brought a very few things to help you on your way.  You set the back pack down to rest and notice how bulky it’s become.  Curious, you open it and immediately the putrid smell of decay and death fills your nostrils.  Shocked you peak inside.  There to your dismay, is the putrid remains of toxic black mold.  No wonder it was so hard to move forward!  This little vignette is a metaphor for what it’s like to try to move forward after the death of a relationship, divorce or separation without forgiveness.  Being unforgiving (black mold) can affect you in multiple ways and be completely debilitating.  Remaining unforgiving is like exposing yourself to black mold and hoping someone else will suffer for it.

Someone whom we trusted may have hurt us deeply, taken advantage of us , or in some other way harmed us or those we love. Anger, even rage, or despair that we ever trusted this person may come in waves over us…all in the course of a day.  Perhaps this person seems to be doing well and moving on without a backward glance.  How could they do this to me, you ask?

I don’t have an answer to that last question; sometimes reasons remain a mystery.  The truth is,  even knowing the answer may not be enough to help us move on from this “stuck” position.  In this state we may even plot to get back at that person, manipulating situations or even harassing them in our angst.  Do we want to stoop that low?  It may shock you but we each have a choice whether or not we want to lower ourselves to the other’s behavior…or whether we want to be in peace moving forward.

Consider  forgiveness.  Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts on the planet.  Here’s what it isn’t:

            -it isn’t condoning what someone did to us; it is NOT okay!

            -It doesn’t mean that they are free to hurt us again…unless we let them

            -it doesn’t mean you wave a magic wand and say “I forgive you” and it is done

            -It’s really not about the other person at all

            -it isn’t simply saying “I forgive you” although that may be part of it.

 

People who have hurt us deeply often don’t care or don’t understand what they’ve done.  In other words…they may have done something deliberately to hurt you but the fact that you’re hurting now is okay with them.  That’s why they did it to begin with…to hurt you.  So why would you even think about forgiveness, especially for those things that seem “unforgiveable”?

Forgiveness frees the captive from being enslaved to the offending person.  When we live in an anger or revenge state we live as if our lives revolved around that person. Think about this: they may not even know or care but they still call the shots…we are still at their mercy.

 The process of forgiveness allows us to remove ourselves as victims and make a decision about who we are going to be moving forward.  Forgiveness is really not about the other person at all…it’s about us, and what we need to be free to change our lives.  I am not suggesting that you not feel whatever feelings you experience around this. On the contrary, you have to acknowledge and name and experience what you feel in order be able to let it go at some point.  At some point we must ask ourselves: “how long do I want to be held hostage to these feelings?  What do I really want?  Next week I will address a process of forgiveness.  Are you struggling with bitterness or anger related to harm that was done to you?  I would be happy to journey with you as you consider how you want to move forward…and what you need to do so. Please contact me at info@marshabarnosky.com or call me at 616-402-8327.

COPING IN TIMES OF CHANGE

Everything in our culture shouts “keep moving…..don’t slow down!”.  Exactly the opposite of what is called for in change.  Of course you need to take care of yourself your family,  and continue to work if you have a job. But frantic activity  to avoid painful feelings is not helpful.  Leaning into the sad or angry, or hurt feelings and finding a safe discharge for those same feelings actually moves us through a tough time better than avoidance through action. In the world it seems (if you believe TV commercials) that there is something available  to help us avoid pain of any kind.  Some of us even think we must be doing it “wrong” if we experience pain.  In working with grieving people over the years it became apparent to me that, for some people, coping means that  they should never  feel sad, or cry, or get angry.  They would feel they weren’t receiving proper support if they felt these emotions at all.

Ironically, coping happens when we allow ourselves to feel whatever feelings are there, find a safe way to discharge them and quit trying to find a way around the pain.  I know many people have taken a shoe to beat their mattresses rather than beat the person they are angry with.

Some people isolate themselves when they have lost a job or are going through a divorce, for example, because they have come to attach shame to these very common occurrences. There may be some guilt regarding things we need to own and work on regarding a divorce (since it always takes two to make or break a marriage) and understand so that we don’t repeat that in a future relationship. Feeling guilty because of behavior that contributed to the end of your marriage may be helpful in learning what not to do in the future.  Feeling shame is different.  Shame is the feeling that your very self is defective and that can be paralyzing and keep you stuck.

How are you coping?  Have you given yourself some time to grieve what was?  What are the life lessons you’ve learned?  Ironically, wisdom often comes with change.  What we thought we wanted or needed may become unimportant to us.  Just ask many the people who have lost their jobs in the past few years, some of whom who had never been unemployed in their lives.  Many tell me they are living a different life now, (even if they did find subsequent employment) because they discovered what was truly important to them: family, health, faith, small pleasures like a beautiful sunny day in Michigan in the middle of winter. Are you open to learning lessons from the change you are going through?  If you are struggling to find the “gift “ in change, I would be happy to walk with you on your journey.  Please contact me at info@marshabarnosky.com.

Myth: My Life is Over

You know how it is: your spouse wants to leave you and you’re not sure you’ll make it as a single person.  Your employer decides to eliminate your position and your husband is currently unemployed.  Your partner is killed in a car accident and the rug has been ripped out from beneath you. Your only child graduates college and moves to some distant location. Congratulations!  You have just entered the opportunity zone.

First let me say right away that I am not saying all of the above are not sad and for some, frightening.  They are.  Losses are meant to be grieved ; to move through and onward we must attend to our own unique grieving process.  Contemplating the unknown without immediately imagining the worst case scenario is difficult not to do. So go ahead and do it; just don’t stay there.

At some point take a look at your life from the 20,000 mile high view…and see that there is a whole new landscape for you to explore.  If you have lost a spouse to death, divorce or separation you will have a lot to deal with legally, financially, physically, socially and spiritually.  Our whole being is impacted and often at risk due to the stressful state we may find ourselves in.  Again, that’s okay…you are where you need to be for a time.  In between things.  We don’t like this in between space at all in our fast-paced culture.  And it’s hard not to make a decision…any decision…. just to keep moving.  But don’t do it; not yet. Taking care of the basics becomes critical to avoid vulnerability to illness after such losses. 

Go ahead: take care of yourself, and while you are doing that, begin to imagine a new life. If you are widowed, this may feel disloyal and cruel.  Yet your loving spouse would surely want you to move into a new space in your life where you could be happy.  Having worked with so many dying people and their families over the years I know that those who are dying often hang on longer than seemed possible because they are concerned about how their loved ones will do in their absence. Bring the memory of your spouse with you into this new venture; after all, you can still benefit from their wisdom and support, albeit in a different way.

If you are pleased with your life as it is, there may be no reason to change.  However, for anyone who has been in a relationship that ends you may have been lovingly tolerating circumstances, living spaces, social relationships, eating patterns and foods,  hobbies and many other aspects of a negotiated relationship.  After all, living with someone else as wonderful as that can be usually entails some degree of toleration.  Things we do for love.  When the reason for doing so is no longer, there is space for the opportunity  to care for ourselves by thinking about what  you want and need (as well as the needs of your children if you have them).

What did you always dream about when you were younger?  What was the thing you always wanted to do and never shared with anyone?  Sometimes we know very well what we would like to do but have always presumed it was impossible in our circumstances.  Maybe that was true at one time…but maybe it isn’t  now.  Perhaps now you have the freedom to dream again and re-create yourself. Maybe your spouse was introverted and you, the extrovert, may now  socialize more frequently.  Maybe you lived in an area for your partners job, but it was not to your liking and now you can consider an ideal location.  Maybe you always wanted to write but never found the time and suddenly you have more time than you banked on.  You may be in a position to re-structure your time to do what you’ve always wanted to do.  Maybe you even have an idea of a life that seems so outrageous you’ve never said it aloud to yourself.  If you feel like a failure (which many people do after a job loss), remember that great people consider failures as “feedback”; in other words, information to help change how you can do things in the future. Here are some people that have reinvented themselves:

-The actress Pamela Stephenson retrained as a clinical psychologist

-The comedian Jo Brand was a mental health nurse

-Martha Stewart, the businesswoman and former prison inmate, started as a  stockbroker

-Mother Teresa, caring for the dying in India started as a teacher.

-Your Name Here!

Remember: start small.  You can’t do everything at once so pick one thing that you’d like to explore and set some baby steps toward that. There is no one way to do this perfectly so please don’t judge yourself.  Share your thoughts with someone who will support you and avoid the naysayers who can only see all the pitfalls with your idea.  As you go through the process of researching your idea, if you remain open to seeing your idea from both sides you will be able to evaluate what is possible yourself.  As the Hall of Famer Yogi Berra once said, “It’s not over till it’s over”. If you feel your life is over and wonder where you even start to plan, I would love to help you identify a plan for your life that is possible and exciting.  Please contact me for a complimentary consultation by calling me at 616-4o2-327 or email me at info@marshabarnosky.com

 

 

 

“MY FRIEND IS GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE; HOW CAN I HELP?”

You’re shocked at the news…your friend is getting a divorce.  Whether you knew there were problems in the marriage or feel blindsided, you have an opportunity to provide the support your friend will surely need.  Here are some suggestions that may be helpful as you try to support your friend in their  divorce journey.

1. Listen and Listen Some More

So many people do not have people who will listen to them; friends to do things with and possibly friends at work but not necessarily true friends who are there just to listen.  Many people will have opinions; however, if you love your friend you will limit yours and offer your listening ear.

2. Remain neutral

Although remaining neutral may be difficult, it is in both your own -  and your friends – best interest to do so.  Going through a divorce is not a linear process; there may be days when things are proceeding as anticipated and days the divorce itself is in question.   People often  go back and forth between wanting a divorce and not  wanting  a divorce. You want to be sure to support them from a caring place until a final decision is made. Calling their estranged spouse names is rarely helpful; you may lose the friendship if they decide to stay together.

3. Anticipate crisis points and let your friend know you are there for them, no matter what they're feeling. 

During times of crisis such as legal battles, moving, changing jobs, problems with children, and the day of divorce day itself, it is good to offer  your friend permission to feel bad.  “I know this Is a tough day but if you feel like being angry or crying, go ahead; I’m here for you”. It is very helpful to be willing to stay present with your friend during expressions of strong emotions, particularly anger and sadness.  Anger is almost always a secondary emotion masking fear.  It is a powerful show of support to be  present without judgment at such times. If you do this alone your friend is very lucky to have you!

4. If asked, help your friend  develop their own explanation as to why the marriage ended. 

Encourage your friend  to keep any explanation they offer brief and simple: “Unfortunately, it didn’t work out”.  With the exception of family or others who really need to know, no explanation is owed.  Having a simple explanation is helpful in dealing with those who will ask because they are simply curious.

5.  Don’t give legal advice.

Even if you have been through your own divorce, everyone’s situation is different.  Encourage them to get competent counsel.

6.  Encourage your friend to make their own decisions. 

Listen to plans and help your friend reflect on the quality of their plans from their own perspective. Avoid giving advice even if you’ve been through your own divorce.  If asked for advice it is best to turn this back to them by saying something like, “Everyone is different;  I’m interested in knowing what YOU  think you should do” .  Doing so will build your friends sense of competency and trust in their own decisions. Avoid being overly involved in their personal decisions.  If in following your advice things turn out badly, they may hold you responsible.

7. Encourage healthy social contacts with   others.

Meeting new people  individually or through groups may be very helpful and encouraging to your friend and should be encouraged. Dating before  the relationship is ended legally or before the person has had time to your friend has had a chance to grieve  their loss can be detrimental to their future as well as their children, if they have any.

8. When needed, help your friend plan for how they will handle special dates.

Special dates  such as the holidays,  anniversaries, and birthdays.  If you are able and your friend has indicated they would like it, be part of these alternate plans or invite them to be part of yours.

9.  Encourage exercise.

Exercise is a great stress reliever and healthy lifestyle practice.  Offering to watch the children so your friend can get attend an exercise class or  meeting them for regular walks are just two ways to promote this.

10.  Encourage humor as a way to cope.

 Even in divorce there are many opportunities for laughter.  If your friend has found some humor in their situation, laugh with them! 

These are just a few ideas that I have found to be helpful for myself and others.  What has been the best support a friend has given you  - or that you have given to a friend who is divorcing?  Please share them here; I would love to hear from you.   And if you are trying to move forward after a divorce and don’t know where to start, I would be happy to help you create the future of your dreams!  Please contact me at info @marshabarnosky.com.