He said he had not been to the mall in years, 6 years to be exact. He said it reminded him of shopping excursions with his wife of 50 years who had died over the holiday season while he still held hope she would somehow find a way to survive her cancer. He showed up regularly in our grief support group. We were his lifeline: the only place he felt safe to live a shared grief that needed no introductions. I felt deeply saddened when he died quite suddenly, I suspect of a broken heart.
Remembering him I can’t help but wonder what makes the difference between this gentleman who still couldn’t go to the mall because of his cherished memories with his beloved and others who seem to pull themselves up by some invisible bootstraps and continue on with their lives. These individuals do the legitimate grief work and ultimately live a “new normal’ life, one that is irretrievably altered but not crushed.
The word “resilience” comes to mind: that elusive quality that allows some people to cope and adapt to change and its associated loss, including the loss of a loved one. Research tells us that there are other factors associated with how we process our individual loses:
1. My personal loss history;: have I experienced many losses from a young age? Multiple losses one right after another? Or did I get to my 40’s (and some do) without anyone close to us dying?
2. Do I have a history of coping well with adversity? Or do I just work harder or drink more to get through?
3. Are there complications associated with the type or circumstances of death? Was it at the end of a long illness? Was the death sudden and traumatic? Was the death socially acceptable? Suicide or overdose for example, may make it difficult for the grieving person to reach out to others for fear of their loved one being judged.
4. Am I in good physical health? Or do I have chronic health issues?
5 . Do I have a positive optimistic personality? Do I have a tendency to see the glass as “half full” or “half empty”?
6. Do I have an adequate support system? Or do I consider myself more of a loner?
7. Do I derive strength from and find meaning in my spirituality?
8. Gender differences: in general, women frequently mourn more openly and are more likely to seek support. Men may keep it inside and try to “go it alone”. Do I seek needed support?
The answers to these questions may hold clues as to how one grieves their personal losses. In general, people who have:
- lost loved ones in the usual order (grandparents, and other older relatives first
for example),
-under normal circumstances (at the end of a relatively long life with under
natural circumstances ”,
-have coped well with other major life transitions,
- enjoy relatively good health,
-view life fairly optimistically,
- have one or two people to share the good the bad and the ugly with,
- have a spiritual place to hang one’s hat,
-and ask for support needed,
will likely struggle successfully through this sad transition.
If this is not the case for you, if you feel “stuck” or feel that despite support and the passage of time that it is still difficult to focus on the future, help is available. Please email me at mbarnosky@comcast.net.
Marsha Barnosky LMSW
Transition, Grief and Loss Coaching and Consulting
Greif Relief for You, for Your Workplace
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