Grieving the Effects of Divorce

Divorce is hard on everyone,not just the couple divorcing. Children,relatives and friends suffer as well. In fact, friends of the couple often feel the ripple effect of their break, sometimes questioning the stability of their own marriages.  As evidence of this consider the uproar earlier this year when it was announced that Tipper and Al Gore were separating after 40 years of marriage.

On the Stress Index, divorce is only second to the death of a spouse. Some researchers on grief and marriage believe that the grief associated with divorce is even higher than that for widows and widowers because the ex-spouse can still be contacted. Some will actually re-visit earlier  grief reactions if their former spouse enters a new relationship. These deep feelings of grief cannot be pushed away indefinitely; allowing time to feel all the feelings of anger, sadness and betrayal is the only way through.  Consider this from Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW, marriage counselor and author of Contemplating Divorce and Stronger Day by Day:

“When I work with clients on helping them experience their grief, I show them the Chinese hand-cuffs I have in my top desk drawer. I ask them to place their forefingers in either end and then try to get out of the contraption. Predictably, most will try to pull their fingers out of the cuffs but this only serves to tighten the bands more. The key to getting free of them is to do the opposite thing they are inclined to do - go in toward the contraption!”

The suggestion to “lean into the pain” may apply not just to physical pain but emotional pain as well.  Doing this is counter-intuitive; that is why it is not uncommon to see the newly divorced dating before the ink is dry on the divorce papers, some as soon as they are separated. This only serves to postpone the inevitable.  Some divorce only to remain connected to their former spouse  through anger and revenge.  If “living well is the best revenge”, the best way to do that is to focus on oneself and a new life. Support from friends and others is critical to making this transition but friends cannot always help you move on.  If you are finding moving on hard to do, I would be happy to talk with you; please call me at 616-402-8327for a free confidential consultation.